PEBBLE BEACH – THE TOURNAMENT THAT TIME FORGOT
If dinosaurs had stocked up on blankets, space heaters and protein bars, would the Ice Age have really been such a bag of downers for them? This thought came to me the other day when I saw a commercial for a new Discovery Channel special. Apparently scientists are attempting to extract DNA from a tiny dinosaur preserved in amber. The reason? They want to clone the extinct species. Didn’t any of these people watch Jurassic Park?
I know that nobody saw Jurassic Park II, Jurassic Park III or Jurassic Park – The Musical, but it seems like the road to doom is certainly posted with enough warning signs about pulling a stunt like this. What ham-fisted baboon really thinks it’s in everyone’s best interest to introduce 45-foot carnivores into the food chain? Just think what that would do to the profit margin at Old Country Buffet.
If this little experiment actually comes to fruition, worlds will collide: Velociraptors, and tax attorneys all scuttling down the sidewalk to catch the 5:18 bus uptown, while the skies are clogged with drunken Pterodactyls stumbling home from an all-night bender at Outback. And if the dinosaur cloning proves to be a success, you can bet your last Bunsen burner that some shortsighted lab rat with a Ph.D. will tap into frozen caveman DNA. Just what we need, more half evolved dimwits taking all the good parking spots at Target.
What will our world end up looking like? More importantly, what will the Pebble Beach Pro-Am Tournament end up looking like? Yes, America’s favorite golf tournament will forever be tarnished – even more tarnished than when they let Kenny G and Michael Bolton play. Instead of watching the likes of Vijay Singh and Ray Romano strolling down the fairway, we could end up with something like this:
PEBBLE BEACH PROTOHUMAN/CELEBRITY GOLF TOURNAMENT PAIRINGS
TEAM 1 – Australopithicus Robustus:
Years Pro: 3.75 million
Career Earnings: 4.27 million (woolly mammoth pelts)
Best Round: Was in the process of destroying course record at Hilton Head when Quetzalcoatlus swooped down and plucked ball from fairway, mistaking it for a wayward egg. Ensuing two-stroke penalty (failure to protect ball from flying predators) knocked him off the record pace.
Handicap: Large skull and oversized cheek teeth.
Celebrity Playing Partner: Craig T. Nelson
TEAM 2 – Australopithicus Africanus:
Forced to withdraw from tournament after re-entering extinction on 7th hole of practice round. Coincidentally, celebrity playing partner Huey Lewis was also declared extinct, something most people believe already happened in 1986.
TEAM 3 – Homo Hablis:
Bettor’s Note: Since the pairings were first announced on Saturday, Homo Hablis’ brain has evolved to a size 7% larger than A. Africanus. Look for his short game to improve dramatically.
Celebrity Playing Partner: Rush Limbaugh
Handicap: Rush Limbaugh
TEAM 4 – Homo Erectus:
Years Pro: 1.7 million
Home: Oldavai Gorge. Summer home in Shreveport, Louisiana with wife, Tiffany and dog, Muffin.
Career Highlight: Back to back eagles at Augusta before the advent of stone tools.
Celebrity Playing Partner: George Lopez, who promises two jokes per hole involving the word Erectus.
TEAM 5 – Cro-Magnon:
Tournament’s favorite son. Known for his puckish antics involving an outlandish bib and tucker with life-like Piltdown Man mask. Paired with comic actor Bill Murray, also known for his puckish antics involving an outlandish bib and tucker with life-like Piltdown Man mask.
Handicap: Cro-Magnon has a tendency to lose interest on the back nine and wander off to bludgeon wayward livestock.
TEAM 6 – Homo Sapiens:
Having only recently evolved, Homo Sapiens is paired with tournament celebrity favorite, Andy Garcia.
TEAM 7 – Neanderthal:
Years Pro: Not sure
Career Earnings: Not sure
Strong Suit: Pungent musk glands that befuddle competitors in the tee box.
Handicap: Receding Zygomatic arches
Celebrity Playing Partner: Actor Michael Douglas
Note: Neanderthal will be wearing the blue polo shirt and tan slacks. Michael Douglas will be wearing the peach polo and gray slacks. Once again, Neanderthal will be in the blue and tan ensemble; Michael Douglas will be sporting peach and gray. This should help eliminate spectator confusion.